Wow.
I really wanted to say the b-word. Placing it in the title just didn't feel appropriate though.. So I'll just say it now because if I don't say it, I'll be thinking it the entire time--- I just need to get it out of my system--
Writer's Block is a total bitch.
I know, feminists shouldn't use that word. But, get over it. I used it. I'm already over it. And, damn! That felt GOOD.
I cannot freaking write! My mind is all like "$%*&(*$^#T!!!!!!!!!!" when I sit in front of a computer screen and no words end up on the page. Usually by that time I will then attempt to scribble in my illegible scrawl in my notebook- where the fuck is my notebook anyway? Have yet to find it-- or my purse. It has to be in my purse.
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I'm trying to find the source of my writer's block... lack of sleep? I do have a newborn. Lack of creativity? possibly.. but, I have a lot of ideas actually-- just none are materializing. I'm having a problem actually executing these ideas.
It must be guilt!
I can only write when the children are asleep. But, that is also the only time I can clean or unpack. Even sitting here, while Eva is napping (she is NOT napping by the way, I can hear her banging around in her bedroom, but I'm choosing to ignore it for sanity's sake) and, Abram is asleep across my chest-- I feel GUILTY. I should put the baby down (even though after 5 minutes he'll be awake-- he likes being held by his mother) and do some damn housework.
But, I want to write dammit. I need that release, the satisfaction that you feel when you crank out a couple hundred words or pages.
I've been fantasizing about total silence, a blank word document and a gallon jug of wine... I think I need a drunken session to jump start the honesty. But, I need to be realistic. And, that is not realistic unfortunately.
I did write a few pages last Sunday (last Sunday ALREADY?! Wow... that is forever ago) about a lady who had nothing to write about. Ha. I know. Pathetic.
But, then I was reminded by Bukowski that:
"Writing about a writer's block is better than not writing at all."
And I've started a generic essay about Facebook. I edited a few short-stories. That is it.
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WRITER FRIENDS-- help me! I can't wait until Christmas to write!
I would guess that guilt is a huge part of it... I remember that for the first year after I had Evelyn I couldn't even have a glass of wine without feeling guilty because me drinking wine did not have anything to do with my baby. Ridiculous! But normal. At this past residency I went to an excellent lecture on writer's block! The student who gave it is a fiction writer and also a long-time psychotherapist, and he talked about what's actually going on in our brains when we have writer's block.. and basically it's your brain's natural defense against entering that scary, vulnerable place where our true feelings lie...and thus our creativity. Because writing is non-utilitarian in nature, our brains sometimes have a hard time letting us go to that place... but at the same time our brains NEED to go to that place, for that release, for that amazing feeling when we've created something... I wish I had more time right now but don't so I will go through my notes soon and send you more in an email! The key is to KEEP WRITING. Write everyday so that your brain becomes less scared of entering the creative zone, and thus feels less of a need to protect itself from it... keep at it!
ReplyDeletep.s. Feminists are free to use whatever words they want, right? It's my fucking mouth :)
I hear you. Not about the parenting thing per se, but I've been having a bit of trouble getting motivated myself this summer. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had too many bouts of writer's block with my writing over the years. Usually I have blogging to bail me out if I have problems with my short stories and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the latest bout I have is a bit....strange. I'm working on one story that I have no problems writing by hand (which might be something you should look into) then putting on the computer, but vapor locking if I try to write it first on the computer.
I haven't been able to write worth a damn either since moving. And I want to so bad! The words are just stuck. I think because there are too many of them wanting to come out. Traffic jam. Or something.
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